Counsel: You are Mr Horace Hubble ?
Hubble: Yes, I rejoice in that name.
Counsel: Oh - you rejoice in it, do you ?
Hubble: Oh, yes. With a name like that, you've got to rejoice in it, otherwise you'd sink.
Counsel: Horace is a most unusual name, is it not ?
Hubble: Not if you are living in ancient Rome.
Counsel: But we are not living in ancient Rome.
Hubble: That doesn't stop modern people being christened Julius and Nero and Rufus.
Counsel: Or Caesar ?
Hubble: I have never met anyone called Caesar. I have, however, eaten several life-saving salads of that name.
Judge: Excuse me a minute ! Mr Godfrey, will you please tell me the point of these irrelevant exchanges ? Is this some superannuated music hall routine ?
Counsel: No, sir. I am jousting verbally with the defendant in order to confuse him and establish my mastery of the situation.
Judge: Then you have started badly, I would say. Carry on !
Counsel: Now, Mr Hubble, you appear on a charge of being drunk and disorderly. I gather you do not deny that on the date in question, last October, you were drunk ?
Hubble: Very drunk.
Counsel: Very drunk.
Hubble: Very drunk indeed.
Counsel: Quite so. Could you tell the court the reason for your drunkenness ?
Hubble: I had been drinking.
Counsel: And why had you been drinking ?
Hubble: To get drunk.
Counsel: And why did you wish to get drunk ?
Hubble: Because I wished to get a hangover.
Counsel: Why on earth would anyone want to inflict a hangover on themselves ?
Hubble: For the purposes of research.
Counsel: And why on earth . . .  Oh, just tell us why, Mr Hubble.
Hubble: Certainly. You may not have noticed this, but every year at Christmas time there are certain articles which are much in demand in the press. Every year, sure as clockwork is clockwork, there will be features in almost every publication on ‘How to Behave at the Office Party’, and ‘Six great Recipes for Mulled Wine’, and ‘Those Winter Blues - are they a Myth ?’ and, of course, the one about last minute Christmas breaks. There are also articles on ‘How to Cure a Hangover’. I had been commissioned to write one. I was doing research into it. Therefore, I had to get drunk.
Counsel: But surely there can be no new research into hangovers? All that is known about hangovers must be known by now. Would you not merely look up the cuttings of other pieces on hangovers and copy out the most commonplace facts and figures ? Is that not the way journalism works? Did not Mr Kingsley Amis himself write an article every year on how to cure hangovers which was, in essence, always the same article as the year before?
Hubble:  Yes, even the great Kingsley Amis did that. But I was determined to see if it were not possible to do some original research on the subject.
Sensation in court.
Counsel: Did hear you aright ? Did you say that you were going to do some investigative journalism?
Hubble: Yes.
Judge: This is a sensational development. I think it calls for a short adjournment.
More of this tomorrow!

And here is the promised sequel:

Yesterday I brought you part of a very unusual trial going on in London at the moment in which writer Mr Horace Hubble, facing drunk and disorderly charges, claims in defence that he was doing research on an article on hangover cures, and that he couldn't investigate the cures if he did not first get drunk.
         Here is some more of his fascinating testimony.

Counsel: I can see the logic behind your claim that you had to get drunk to produce a hangover. But why did you have to do it in Oxford Street? Would it not have served your purpose to get drunk in the privacy of your own home?
Hubble: Most of the time, this would be true. But on this particular occasion I wanted to test the theory that exercise diminishes drunkenness.
Counsel: This is a new theory to me.
Hubble: It is my own theory. I have noticed that when I have been dancing constantly at parties, drink seems to have much less effect on me. It is almost as if the activity of the body drives the alcohol fumes out. I wanted to see, under controlled conditions, if this were true. So I decided to drink a lot and then go for a long walk.
Counsel: Along Oxford Street?
Hubble: I had not intended to go along Oxford Street. I had intended to walk through Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens. However, I set off in the wrong direction from Marble Arch and went along Oxford Street by mistake.
Counsel: It cannot be very hard to tell the difference between Oxford Street and Hyde Park.
Hubble: It is when you're drunk. Or at least, when you're drunk, you don't care very much about the difference between one and the other. This was the difficulty I kept encountering. Every time I embarked on a serious test of a hangover cure I had to get drunk first, and by the time I was drunk, I often couldn't care less about the hangover cure. Horace Hubble when drunk had little respect for Horace Hubble sober. And vice versa.
Counsel: Would you describe it as a Jekyll and Hyde situation?
Hubble: Certainly not. There are some things that even I as a hack writer could not lower myself to. I would never say that anyone was to the right of Genghis Khan; I would never compare anything to sliced bread; I would never say that black was the new white and I would never invoke a Jekyll and Hyde situation. A Jekyll and Lutyens situation, yes, perhaps. Not otherwise.
Counsel: Jekyll and Lutyens ?
Hubble: Lutyens was the great Edwardian architect. Gertrude Jekyll was the great landscape gardener he often worked with. Hence . . . . .
Counsel: Yes, I get it now. Jekyll and Lutyens. Ha ha.
Judge: If I may intervene here, Mr Godfrey . . .
Counsel: With pleasure, m'Lud.
Judge: Setting aside all this drunken running for a moment, Mr Hubble, did you ever write this piece about hangover cures and get it published?
Hubble: Yes, I did, sir.
Judge: And did you work out what was the best cure for hangovers? I only ask this question because I intend to get fiercesomely drunk at the weekend, and would appreciate your advice in advance.
Hubble: Alas, sir, I came to the conclusion that all hangover cures are worthless, except perhaps making yourself throw up as you go along.
Judge: And that is more trouble than it is worth.
Hubble: My feelings exactly, sir. However, I also came to the unconventional conclusion that a hangover can be useful in its own right.
Judge: Meaning?
Hubble: Well, sir, meaning that when you feel as poxy as you do during a hangover, it is a great time to tackle those little jobs which you can only tackle when you feel really dreadful.
Judge: Such as?
Hubble: Such as clearing the drains, washing the dog's rug, doing the VAT, taking leaves out of the gutter, cutting your toenails, polishing shoes and silver, removing verrucas, phoning foreign relations you cordially dislike, testing smoke alarms, having vasectomies, making a malicious will  . . . Yes, hangovers should not be cured! They should be utilised!
Judge: I like the cut of your jib, Mr Hubble. What say we have a drink together in the bar after this case?
Hubble: I would be most flattered, m'Lud.
The case continues, though not in this column

Independent Thursday Jan 15 2004

Counsel: Your name is Augustus Camden?
Defendant: That is the name under which I perform, yes.
Counsel: What do you perform?
Defendant: Anything. Everything.
Counsel: That is a very vague answer.
Defendant: On the contrary, it is a very precise answer. I have specified everything.
Counsel: I see. So what exactly were you performing on a certain day in July last year, when you broke into a fit of coughing and had to be removed forcibly from the Wigmore Hall?
Defendant: That was the evening of the appearance of the Harlequin Baroque Ensemble, I believe?
Counsel: It was.
Defendant: As you know, the Harlequin Baroque Ensemble is a firm believer in authentic music production. They like to play on instruments of the period. They play without a conductor, as conductors did not exist in those days.
Counsel: True.
Defendant: Well, I similarly am a member of the Authentic Baroque Audience. We are a volunteer group who like to complete the authenticity of a modern baroque performance by behaving in an authentically eighteen century way.
Counsel: By which you mean…?
Defendant: Doing everything that an eighteenth century audience would have. Chattering. Laughing. Eating. Drinking. Playing chequers. Whoring. Gambling. Spitting. Hawking. We feel that this helps to recreate a completely typical eighteenth century evening.
Counsel: That may well be so, but how will this affect the enjoyment of those people who have gone there to enjoy the music?
Defendant: That is a very twenty-first century attitude, if I may say so. People did not attend eighteenth century concerts to enjoy the music.
Counsel: For what, then?
Defendant: To be fashionable. To be in the swim. To see and be seen. To exchange billets doux. Occasionally, to challenge each other to duels…
Counsel: Do you adopt eighteenth century costume?
Defendant: Whenever it is practicable. Sometimes it is not a good idea.
Counsel: Why not?
Defendant: Because when they see us all dressed up, they sometimes try to eject us from the concert hall.
Counsel: Why?
Defendant: Because they seem to object to authentic audience performances.
Counsel: Very understandably so, if I may say so.
Voice from the Gallery: What do you know about it?
Chorus from the Gallery: Nothing!
Voice from the Gallery: What do we say?
Chorus: Shame!
Voice: What do we want?
Chorus: A retrial!
Judge: Just a moment, just a moment! I will not have this uproar in my court!
Chorus: Oh, yes, you will!
Judge: No, I will not! Who are you, who dare to make this interruption?
Voice from Gallery: My Lord, we are members of the Movement for Authentic Period Public Gallery Performances. We try to recreate an authentic anarchic public gallery of three hundred years ago, with all the heckling and hooting that that involves.
Judge: That might be logical if this were an eighteenth century court of law . . .
Voice: Oh, but it is! The costume is eighteenth century!
Chorus: The language is eighteenth century! The hypocritical courtesy is eighteenth century! Nobody in real life says: “May I respectfully suggest…’
Judge: This is intolerable! Have these people removed and whipped!
Voice: You cannot have us whipped!
Judge: Oh yes, you can, if you are a member of the Judge Jeffries Appreciation Society! This is a small pressure group whose aim is to bring back the no-nonsense cruelty and brutality of the finest judge who ever drew breath, aye, who hung and quartered it too…
The case continues…